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I'm tired of the same.
Same, same.
No change.. Just same.

Heart is a void and my mind in constant indecision.
I don't Know what's Best for Me at all.

I'm tired of the same job, the same house, the same life.
I am blessed to have all three, but am complaining of what has made me stagnant.

Creativity is dull and my inspiration is artificial.
I do not Know It anymore.

I am not a guitar player.
I am a guitar hobbyist.

I'm just another person, with the same abilities as anybody else.
I am no different, no better, no less.. Just the same.
Same, same, same.


I feel like a fool..
I'm feeling vibrations of sadness overwhelm my heart for someone I connected with for only a short time..
I know it is my karmic consequence, for now I am supposed to be alone..
I need to feel the pain that I've probably inflicted without being truly conscious of it.
I never intended for anything serious, but I still rolled with the flow of things..
The strong emotions, the open-hearts.. It was overwhelming and easy to fall into..
But for the sake of Justice, I am now alone, and I feel sadness for being stupid.
I'm so stupid.

It's Thanksgiving.

11/16/2011 Semi-Channel

It is a time to outgrow ideas and challenges that haven't served you any purpose.

To dwell in these ideas for too long is to limit yourself, and restrict you from evolving accordingly.

You Know in your Heart what Is True. So the Question is WHEN You are ready to pursue?

No time to dwindle and decide.. You've theTim eright now ..

I know your heart is troubled and you can't make up your mind, but what is the objective in your Life?
Why are you hanging around if you feel you are unhappy?

Allow time to calm the water's flow.. Then you shall Know.

It is not Time to reveal the Family.. Yet you Will Know before We do.

dream 1062011

In my dream there was a metal festival going on. Some clan members, me, mamawitch, papab, morgana, mack were there too.
All different rooms.. Morgana was deceiving and untrustworthy here too ironically.

Monstrosity played this festival too. Mark played all sets except for one, where he had his 'touring guitarist' play for him instead.
Jim Beam was being drank. People were so drunk. Lots of people were partying in my room.
There was one point where this girl was flirting with Mark really bad that I walked away but knew I had nothing to worry about..
HIs subconscious was telling me in the dream that he was aware of how I was feeling.. There was nothing to worry about.

THe girl's friend tried to talk to me in the motel room, I had to retort twice almost angrily, to let her know I am fine and I KNOW there's nothing to worry about. She got the message finally, and backed off..

I remember telling on eof my friends that he should've stayed off the BEam. LOL

The festival was overtaken by huge tidal waves. Yet no one drowned ;)

Very interesting.

Aug. 22nd, 2011

A night draws forth not too far ahead
that calls of a time to leave the old me behind..
I'd like to say goodbye and let negativity die..
But if not for the pity, would I not again rise?

Reality is Dual.. Duality is the Mind.
Subconscious, Conscious.. Left-Right.
Male-Female. Black-White.

Forget about the separation, merging is to reDefine.
Grey-minded Thinking, for the Libran Devout.

I've got this monkey on my back.. I can't seem to get it off..
Soon I will sever the ties of the Shadow of my mind..
I will lay thy silvery blade upon the fingers of the accused.
If he chooses not to release his grip, then death shall be when his fingers slip!

Eye am in charge of My MIND.
Eye AM in charge of My LIFE.

Dark Moon Severance of the Daemonic-Ties.
I promise to release this limitation of Mine..

For if I don't, then swirling down into the blackened Abyss..
To further dwell upon everything that Isn't..

I cannot allow myself to Die.
If I give up, then I have no Life.
Consider me life-less.. No soul Within.
A fake behind a mask of power.. But powerless am I.
Not True.

I am Awake and Alive.. Now.. More than EVER!
So much to have and appreciate..
So MUCH to be Thankful For..

Obstacles, Challenges..

Frustration pangs my heart once more..
I'm bleeding words that are useless, negative, and sore..

Misery is like a monkey, hanging onto my back..
Happiness becomes a day too far gone,
to transmute this swirling black..

Why do I live in the bowels of my misery?
A slave unto myself, and my temptations.

Good question.
My Heart is Breaking
Shattering slowly into thousands of Pieces
I'm panicking because I'm Losing You
I care for you so much and this is how it has to Be

Every person that I find worthy is torn from me
Steven.. Mark.. Sin.. All failed for some reason.
Either someone's standing in the way, or they are..
Will I NEVER be able to have LOVE?

I give up.
I divorce Love.
Except for the Love Eye Will Make for MySelf.

I love you Sin.
I Wish I could keep You
I wish We could Be
but You do not Want me
As I want You
It's never Fair for ME

There's always SOMETHING that FUCKS IT ALL UP


Tears fall like Rain.. Heart is Breaking Away..
You're falling away from me.. This is so HARD.
I cry to every thought of you pushing me away..
This has never hurt so much..
Not with someone I had such a profound connection with..
Sin, I care for you.. I love everything about you..
I need you.. You won't let me have you.. Not just for one night.
I ask, why? Please?
Grant me this last wish.. It's all Eye Ask of Thee.
I'm actually begging.. With my heart.. What is left of It.
If I could just see you.. Hold you.. Embrace you and show you the Love I have for You.
The Love that We Must Say Goodbye to.
One of the Hardest to say Goodbye to..

I can't.. I don't want to.
but I can't live in this predicament of Yours.
Fuck Sin.. You mean so much to me. You have NO IDEA.

I loved you. I love you.
Fuck I need you.

Sin. Please.
Please do not erase me.
I hurt so bad..


Slept half the day away..
Don't really care what anyone has to say..
Groggy and hungry has made me feel this way..
I have no enthusiasm.

1/15+1/16/2011 Eclipsed.

Afraid to let you read the words
that I'm afraid to type
Afraid because I know how this works
and right now, is not the Time
There is Imbalance, that we can see
Not just with you, but also with me
Until we can manifest the chalice
This is how it remains to be
So limiting, yet not
being able to express every thought
Catching you off-guard
because I'm aware of your heart
You cannot hide
Although you probably do
The look in your eyes
You feel it too
Petrified to even think
another heart for mine to break
Looking back and seeing shame
Unable to erase the pain

Yet I'm Familiar-?
You're so beautiful to Me.. But why?

This couldn't even exist right now..
Yet feeling so One with You.
It Was An Eclipse.
Mesmerizing.. Even now.

I'm certainly glad that it's happened as it has..
Beginning to be Friends, while Truth becomes a merger..

I'm still not a Believer yet.
My wisdom Wills truth, to understand..
History makes impressions in the heart and in the mind.

One can only Tell with Time.



Taking a look back..

I am one crazy broad.. Haha.

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December 2011